Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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