every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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