If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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