I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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