I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
