I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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