i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
