I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
