How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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