My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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