Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You can't motorboat a personality
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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