this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
