I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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