I faked an abortion last night.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
