did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
