Plan B is the new Plan A
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
