i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
