So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
