All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
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For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.