I hate all girls vehemently.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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