and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
