I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.