i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
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My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.