A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
