yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
