If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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