got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
