Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
