I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
