tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
