I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
