it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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