i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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