I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
