11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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