first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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