im about as happy as oj after his trial
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
