i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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