I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
