you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
