ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
