should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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