So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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