Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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