Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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