So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
