I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
