im six kinds of drunk right now
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
