Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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