my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
