peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
