I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
