you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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