He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
