she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
