i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
