You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
