I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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