I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
what day is it and did you see me today?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
