the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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